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The Beginning.

Shattered dreams still glitter… Just with teardrops, Rather than Magic

I don’t remember when it started. I just remember the internal fights and mood swings. Throughout my younger years I never thought I would actually grow up. I know. Every kid on the planet thinks that same thing. However, I always thought that I would not survive that far. I had this voice inside that said, “What would it be like when I’m gone?” I would imagine scenarios that always ended with my death. Only mine. Even worse, I would hope for it.

For me the idea of death has always been one of ultimate relief. I’ve even told family, “Don’t be sad if I ever go. I’ll be at peace.” I think they always thought I was talking about religion. No, I wasn’t. I was talking about being free from the burden, which I feel is life.

As I grew up, I realized I had to figure out a plan. I had to live. It wasn’t a choice, it was a requirement given by birth. I had to take care of myself. For a while I tried, but I was met with failure. Again, and again. Often the failure was a consequence of my own decisions. That just compounded, and made that weight on my shoulders worse.

So, this is my story. I’ll share little bits because I know that I FINALLY WANT to live and make better choices. I, also, want others to learn from me. Just because I made these choices or did these actions. Doesn’t mean that you have to. It just gives you the opportunity to see how it turned out for me.

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Fearlessly Remastered

Hello Dear Readers!

This post is going to be about the re-recording of Taylor Swift’s old music. So, if you don’t like her then this probably isn’t the post for you, but I hope you’ll keep reading anyway. Maybe take some new insight from it.

So, as has been all over entertainment news, Taylor Swift released the re-recorded version of “Love Story” one of her first biggest hits from her second album Fearless. I am so happy to get these new versions. I have been a fan ever since I heard “Teardrops On My Guitar” on the radio, and have only grown as a fan since. However, as an adult I have had a hard time listening to her old music due to the memories associated with them. I’ve told the story of Chris in “Music” and how music can bring back memories in “Music- Cont.” Those two short posts pretty much explain why I would have a hard time listening to some of Taylor’s old music. Her Fearless album was a birthday gift from my grandma and Tom. I listened to it every night with my portable CD player, and I had it on my Myspace playlist. I remember listening to “You’re Not Sorry” and not thinking of bullies, or crushes, I thought of Chris, my Mom, and my brother and every mean thing they may have said. Whether it was meant or not. My little brain processed it as such, and I would lay there wishing for something to change. So, as I became an adult and started to process things, and work through the trauma, it became hard for me to listen to some of my favorite songs because they would become triggers. I don’t have that album CD anymore, I stopped listening to it when we moved to Indiana. Then a friend asked to borrow it and I gave it to her, but I never got it back. I bought them all again when Reputation came out, then they all got broken on one of the many moves between Indiana and Cali. So, I’ve just listen to her latest 3 (Lover, Folklore, and Evermore).

Well, with these new versions (Taylor’s versions) it give rebirth to my love of those songs. I can listen to them, and not have them trigger flashbacks. They’re practically the same songs, and I can’t explain why it’s different. I just know that the slight variation in “Love Story (Taylor’s Version) doesn’t trigger, and I hope that I will be able to create new memories around these new versions. Create new connections, and be able to enjoy them in all of their glory. They really are great songs, and I’m excited to associate happy memories to them. She can own her life’s work, and I can gain ownership of my memories. Like rewriting a CD back when we had to burn them to make “customize playlists”.

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This Is The Last Time

For the longest time, I didn’t understand why or how she did it. She cut off her family and walked away. I couldn’t understand, because I was raised that you don’t give up on family. No matter what.
I understand now. Blood ties mean nothing if they keep hurting you. If they keep causing harm to your peace and your calm. If they take it upon themselves to make decisions for you, then write it off as if they were looking out for your interests. They don’t see that they don’t know you anymore. They can’t see the changes or the reasons behind the actions you take. Even worse, sometimes they do see it, but they write you off anyway. They dismiss your decisions and feelings because it doesn’t suit them. It doesn’t fit what they think, so they try to manipulate it to fit their views.

I understand why she did it, and now I have to do it too. I have to walk away from the poison that has almost killed me time and again. A family shouldn’t hurt each other like this. This isn’t what family does, and I cannot continue to be a part of it. I cannot sit there every birthday/holiday/get-togethers and pretend like this is ever going to heal. That I will be okay because I won’t.

They will be angry and, they will place the blame on others because that is what they do. They will write me off as “overdramatic,” “crazy,” or any other way they will describe this. They will say that I let a boy come between us. They will say, “he wasn’t worth it.” They will say, “he wasn’t good enough for me.” or that I’m “too good for him.” I know that is what they will say because it is what they have been saying since Friday. They don’t see it was their actions that caused this rift. They won’t witness the damage they have caused – I won’t allow them to. I will pick up and move on and continue to survive, but they cannot fix this. They won’t be able to see how deeply this stab in the back cut me.

All they will see, is how this effects them. How could I do this to them, because this hurts them. It won’t, though, that’s the thing. My presence, or absence, never meant anything to them. I’ve moved so far and they think I move to run from my problems. I do run. I run from toxic people. That has been the driving factor in all of my moves. I started feeling suffocated and unable to grow. So, I left. It was easy, too. Leaving is easy for me. This last interference, though, the way they ignored everything that I was saying. The way they ignored the sound of my world shattering, and then blocked every attempt I made to hold on to something -anything. Again.

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Let it die

We didn’t get far at all. So, I don’t know why this hurts so much. I guess I got used to messaging every day. I had hoped for a chance.

They were right to warn you about me. Everything they said had some degree of accuracy. I have a Midas heart, and when I let someone in… it starts out so great and then… well… Anyway, I should’ve just walked away.

I was right, someone always catches feelings and gets attached. At least it was I who was hurt. I don’t want you to. Because it was I that saw the end of the story from the beginning. I’ve read the story and even watched the films so many times, but still I had hoped for a different ending.

So, we let it die. The sparks turn to embers and the embers to ash. We have to let it go and walk away greatful that the burn wasn’t as deep as it could have been.

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Is it time to go?

Hello Dear Readers,

I am sitting here in my apartment and I have so much on my mind. I want to tell you of a lesson that though I’ve learned. I have a hard time stopping myself from repeating. It’s okay to repeat a lesson, you know. There are no rules when it comes to life, besides not causing harm and things like that. However, my repeat offense I’ve come to realize is I run. As with most of my posts, I tell the story, then tie in the lesson. With this one, however, there is no one specific story. I have so many stories where I leave so abruptly they rarely have an ending. Just: I left… The End.

I talked a little about it in my post from 2 years ago “Walking Away” I mentioned how I left a guy I once knew in Arizona. Well, between “Our Death” and “The State of the Union“. I did it again. I walked away from California, and my life there. The thing with leaving is it feels so good at the moment. It is a high, one that I once thought was a “healthy high” as some call it. With all highs, though, you have to come down and there are consequences that you cannot escape. As hard as you may try, you can’t ignore how you hurt the people you left. That becomes guilt and though you can grow from it, you can’t sidestep it. It will always catch up to you. Well, in my case it comes back in memories late at night. I can see it as a video playing back on a presentation screen. I miss those moments, and sometimes I look back to see how the people I left are now.

I would be lying if I said I don’t wonder what could have been. I also have many “what if’s”. Tonight, the memories came back from seeing a small profile picture in my messenger, that said he’s online. Tonight, I’m glad I never erased his messages. I can go back and read them like looking through a yearbook. I remember how he found me on Facebook after months of not speaking. I remember meeting up and our night-time drives. How we ended up at the top of that hill overlooking San Luis, and on the back roads of Nipomo. If you happen to read this, I hope you’re doing well. I cheer for every success and feel sorry for every loss. You work so hard. I know we can’t go back, but we can remember. At least, I hope you remember those times as fondly as I do.

As for YOU, my dear reader, I want you to know that it’s okay to leave. Just make sure you tie up your loose ends before you do. Always know that you do have an impact on others’ lives – for worse or for better. The experiences and the talks, the drinks, and the silences. It all ends up in a story for everyone involved. Just different versions. I hope, in the end, it was all worth it.

I’ve been wondering if I should move again. The urge comes like a tickle in the back of my mind. The scenery gets old, and the interstate looks like an adventure again. I can’t make up my mind (that’s nothing new) but I know that when the time comes, I will feel it in my gut. It will feel right.

The last time, I didn’t have that. It was just a whirlwind of adrenaline and a sense of loss and wonderland. Then I got stuck with lockdown, and then a lease. Funny how things just add on. Grandma always says “If you don’t have a plan, life will make one for you.” I’m beginning to understand just how right she is.

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The Rights of a Child

Welcome back, dear readers! It’s been alittle while but, something has been on my mind and I’ve been gathering information and reading about this topic. In an older post of mine Childhood Trauma Shapes Adult Views, I talked about human rights and how every human being is entitled to those rights. I also mentioned that the United States is the only industrialized nation that has not ratified the Universal Declaration of Human Rights treaty. There’s another treaty that I think needs to come to light: The Convention on the Rights of the Child. This convention was formed in September of 1990 and has been ratified by most participating countries. The United States is the only country that has not ratified this treaty. A movement has been circulating the internet a #saveourchildren. This treaty acknowledges that the child has his/her rights from the moment they are born. In this treaty, a child is defined as a human being under the age of majority.

It adds protection in the Juvenile justice system and would end sending children to prison for life without the possibility of parole. Too many children are introduced to the United States’ “Justice” system at too young of an age. A large number are simply for childish acts and behaviors like tantrums or arguing with their teacher. Instead of working through the child’s behavior, they’re accused of crimes and then pushed through the court system and end up traumatized by our prison system. According to the International Justice Resource Center, roughly 200,000 American children were tried as adults and placed in adult detention centers. Many adolescents are shuffled through the adult justice system as early as 16 and 17. Also, many have had their due process denied with long waits and their ability to waive legal representation. Without an adult or representative present, while being questioned by authorities, they are in a fragile and suggestive state. How is this okay?! We treat children as small adults in times where it is inappropriate to do so. Their development is not complete; they cannot comprehend everything that is happening. Exposure to trauma can even delay brain development. Even the smartest child should not be expected to behave or think as an adult. The United States is 75 years behind in human rights, but our greatest failure has been the juvenile justice system. We have failed our young and have violated numerous human rights along the way. It is not okay! Children deserve to be happy, healthy, expressive, and innocent. Our Judicial and punitive systems need reformation. 

While there has been some growing support for ending life without parole in the juvenile system, there has not been any support to ratify this treaty. There hasn’t even been a vote! The opposition has been that it would cause government overreach into family life or would limit the sovereignty of the United States. The United States has lost its ability to speak in terms of human rights. Our underage citizens need protection from the government, just as adult citizens need theirs.

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Lonely Adolescence

Hello dear readers,

Today I want to talk about isolation in adolescence. My experience with it, how to recognize someone starting to pull back, and how to realize if you are contributing to it with a child in your life. I want to talk about this because the first time I actually thought the world would be better without me was when I was 14. When you’re in that preteen to the early-teen stage, you start feeling some very adult feelings. Only, they’re new and you don’t know how to process them or even verbalize it not to mention as a teen they’re all heightened. So, the first time you feel a new emotion… it’s a pretty memorable experience.

The first time I realized that no one, other than my family, actually liked me was in 8th grade. I was in what had been my favorite class, and the only one I was passing, and we were listening to songs from artists that had dark lyrics. Two of my favorite artist happened to come up, and he mentioned how Nickleback had started out as a Christian band. It blew my mind. I was thinking “No…” while playing through their songs in my mind. I didn’t realize I was actually talking out loud. The teacher snapped, “Yeah!” at me, and I realized what had happened. All of my classmates were laughing at me and the look on the teacher’s face was… between anger and annoyance. To my 14-year-old mind, it solidified my place in the school- as an outcast. No one wanted me there -even to the teachers, I was a burden. It was the first time I wanted to die. I had expected to die, but this time I desired it. That feeling never went away. I stopped trying in school. My grade in his class dropped, along with my other classes. I stopped listening to the teachers. I pulled away from everyone. Every time I tried to reach out, I was ridiculed and made into a joke. So, I stopped reaching out. I never attempted suicide. I tried cutting, but I didn’t like the pain. Plus, should anyone saw any of the scars, they’d say it was for attention. I just stopped trying.

So. Things to look for, as adults, in teens is when they suddenly go quiet. If they’re talking and enthusiastic, then they stop. NOTICE! Pull them aside after class, or if you notice other kids are laughing at them, stand up for them. TEACH them. Don’t let them figure it out, or punish them for things that aren’t a big deal. For kids at that age, something as small as a harsh “yeah” could cause a piece of them to shut down. They may never get it back.

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Childhood Trauma Shapes Adult Views

Hello Dear Readers,

So, yesterday I was talking with my brother and he said something that left me speechless. We were talking about human rights because I’ve been reading a bunch of material on U.S. foreign policy. I mentioned how the United States has never ratified the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, and how that means that the United States isn’t required to acknowledge the 30 human rights; Which Eleanor Roosevelt took to the United Nations after her husband’s death. In 75 years, no one in the Senate has seen fit to bring it to vote, and other decades-old treaties have not been ratified. So, I mentioned as it’s been of interest of late. To which he stated, “I don’t believe everyone should have human rights- people like: pedophiles and child rapists.” I have to admit there is a part of me that wants to- and does agree. It caused me to stop and think. I don’t believe those groups of people should have human rights… BUT I believe they lose those rights AFTER conviction in the court of law.

My brother and I faced the same abuser as children, mentioned in my other posts: The Beginning and Common Causes of Childhood Depression, He got it worse than I did. I don’t know why, but I think it had to do with easier excuses for “discipline”. “He needed to toughen up.” “Act Right”. I hid in my room reading and doing anything to stay there as much as possible, while my brother didn’t have that luxury. That trauma he and I faced, shaped us differently. As kids, we were protective over each other when it came to others, but we fought constantly. Full-blown beat each other half to death, then tell our parents on each other. Normalized sibling rivalry. As adults, we’re close and we don’t fight anymore (thank goodness) but we are vastly different. I think that stemmed from the toxic environment we went through and the lack of justice we received.

Back to the human rights issue. My brother doesn’t trust the system, but he respects it and the people who enforce it. Sounds like most Republicans, don’t trust the system, but respect the authority of the agents of it. I respect the people who work the system, however, I think it’s been broken for a while. I believe it needs to be reviewed and repaired. I am a firm believer in “innocent until proven guilty- in a court of law”. The legal process is fundamental in our system, yet so many people believe in “guilty until proven innocent”.

We have been conditioned to believe that a person’s value is relative to the profit they bring to their employer. While the world decided, in 1947, that a person’s value is their humanity.

Article 1. 

 All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood.

 Article 2. 

 Everyone is entitled to all the rights and freedoms outlined in this Declaration, without distinction of any kind, such as race, color, sex, language, religion, political or other opinions, national or social origin, property, birth, or another status. Furthermore, no distinction shall be made based on the political, jurisdictional or international status of the country or territory to which a person belongs, whether it be independent, trust, non-self-governing or under any other limitation of sovereignty.

 Article 3. 

 Everyone has the right to life, liberty, and security of person.

 Article 4. 

 No one shall be held in slavery or servitude; slavery and the slave trade shall be prohibited in all their forms.

 Article 5. 

 No one shall be subjected to torture or cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.

 Article 6. 

 Everyone has the right to recognition everywhere as a person before the law.

 Article 7.

 All are equal before the law and are entitled without any discrimination to equal protection of the law. All are entitled to equal protection against any discrimination in violation of this Declaration and any incitement to such discrimination.

 Article 8. 

 Everyone has the right to an effective remedy by the competent national tribunals for acts violating the fundamental rights granted him by the constitution or by law.

 Article 9. 

 No one shall be subjected to arbitrary arrest, detention, or exile.

 Article 10. 

 Everyone is entitled in full equality to a fair and public hearing by an independent and impartial tribunal, in the determination of his rights and obligations and any criminal charge against him.

 Article 11. 

 (1) Everyone charged with a penal offense has the right to be presumed innocent until proved guilty according to the law in a public trial at which he has had all the guarantees necessary for his defense.

(2) No one shall be held guilty of any penal offense on account of any act or omission which did not constitute a penal offense, under national or international law, at the time when it was committed. Nor shall a heavier penalty be imposed than the one that was applicable at the time the penal offense was committed.

 Article 12. 

 No one shall be subjected to arbitrary interference with his privacy, family, home or correspondence, nor to attacks upon his honor and reputation. Everyone has the right to the protection of the law against such interference or attacks.

 Article 13. 

 (1) Everyone has the right to freedom of movement and residence within the borders of each state.

(2) Everyone has the right to leave any country, including his own, and to return to his country.

 Article 14. 

 (1) Everyone has the right to seek and to enjoy in other countries asylum from persecution.

(2) This right may not be invoked in the case of prosecutions genuinely arising from non-political crimes or acts contrary to the purposes and principles of the United Nations.

 Article 15. 

 (1) Everyone has the right to a nationality.

(2) No one shall be arbitrarily deprived of his nationality nor denied the right to change his nationality.

 Article 16. 

 (1) Men and women of full age, without any limitation due to race, nationality, or religion, have the right to marry and to found a family. They are entitled to equal rights as to marriage, during marriage, and at its dissolution.

(2) Marriage shall be entered into only with the free and full consent of the intending spouses.

(3) The family is the natural and fundamental group unit of society and is entitled to protection by society and the State.

 Article 17.

 

 (1) Everyone has the right to own property alone as well as in association with others.

(2) No one shall be arbitrarily deprived of his property.

 Article 18. 

 Everyone has the right to freedom of thought, conscience, and religion; this right includes freedom to change his religion or belief, and freedom, either alone or in community with others and in public or private, to manifest his religion or belief in teaching, practice, worship, and observance.

 Article 19. 

 Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression; this right includes freedom to hold opinions without interference and to seek, receive, and impart information and ideas through any media and regardless of frontiers.

 Article 20. 

 (1) Everyone has the right to freedom of peaceful assembly and association.

(2) No one may be compelled to belong to an association.

 Article 21. 

 (1) Everyone has the right to take part in the government of his country, directly or through freely chosen representatives.

(2) Everyone has the right to equal access to public service in his country.

(3) The will of the people shall be the basis of the authority of government; this will shall be expressed in periodic and genuine elections which shall be by universal and equal suffrage and shall be held by secret vote or by equivalent free voting procedures.

 Article 22.

 Everyone, as a member of society, has the right to social security and is entitled to realization, through national effort and international co-operation and in accordance with the organization and resources of each State, of the economic, social and cultural rights indispensable for his dignity and the free development of his personality.

 Article 23. 

 (1) Everyone has the right to work, to free choice of employment, to just and favorable conditions of work, and to protection against unemployment.

(2) Everyone, without any discrimination, has the right to equal pay for equal work.

(3) Everyone who works has the right to just and favorable remuneration ensuring for himself and his family an existence worthy of human dignity, and supplemented, if necessary, by other means of social protection.

(4) Everyone has the right to form and to join trade unions for the protection of his interests.

 Article 24. 

 Everyone has the right to rest and leisure, including reasonable limitation of working hours and periodic holidays with pay.

 Article 25. 

 (1) Everyone has the right to a standard of living adequate for the health and well-being of himself and of his family, including food, clothing, housing, and medical care and necessary social services, and the right to security in the event of unemployment, sickness, disability, widowhood, old age or other lack of livelihood in circumstances beyond his control.

(2) Motherhood and childhood are entitled to special care and assistance. All children, whether born in or out of wedlock, shall enjoy the same social protection.

 Article 26. 

 (1) Everyone has the right to education. Education shall be free, at least in the elementary and fundamental stages. Elementary education shall be compulsory. Technical and professional education shall be made generally available and higher education shall be equally accessible to all on the basis of merit.

(2) Education shall be directed to the full development of the human personality and the strengthening of respect for human rights and fundamental freedoms. It shall promote understanding, tolerance, and friendship among all nations, racial or religious groups, and shall further the activities of the United Nations for the maintenance of peace.

(3) Parents have a prior right to choose the kind of education that shall be given to their children.

 Article 27. 

 (1) Everyone has the right freely to participate in the cultural life of the community, to enjoy the arts and to share in scientific advancement and its benefits.

(2) Everyone has the right to the protection of the moral and material interests resulting from any scientific, literary, or artistic production of which he is the author.

 Article 28.

 Everyone is entitled to a social and international order in which the rights and freedoms outlined in this Declaration can be fully realized.

 Article 29.

 (1) Everyone has duties to the community in which alone the free and full development of his personality is possible.

(2) In the exercise of his rights and freedoms, everyone shall be subject only to such limitations as are determined by law solely to secure due recognition and respect for the rights and freedoms of others and of meeting the just requirements of morality, public order and the general welfare in a democratic society.

(3) These rights and freedoms may in no case be exercised contrary to the purposes and principles of the United Nations.

 Article 30.

 Nothing in this Declaration may be interpreted as implying for any State, group or person any right to engage in any activity or to perform any act aimed at the destruction of any of the rights and freedoms set forth herein.

It’s not just the UDHR that we’re behind on. The Convention on Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination Against Women and the Convention on the Rights of the Child are two other treaties that the United States either never voted on or actively opposed. 

The rule of law is what made our country great, but our legendary promise to fight for freedoms and democracy is what gave us the responsibility to protect and adopt these rights. We should be able to help our neighbors without needing credit and praise. The very trauma that made my brother want to automatically take rights away, is the same trauma that made me realize we need to protect and help those that are helpless. My abuser was a sexist white supremacist, and for a while, as a child, I took on that same ideology. I made myself stop and look at where my words came from, and who I learned them from. I retrained my brain. I dissociated from the hate and started thinking for myself. Please, look back to where you learned your view of society. Was the person you learned it from happy? Were they loving and peaceful? How did they treat others? How did they teach their words? With violence or by example? Did they believe the next generation had to face the same struggles they did, or did they try to make it better for them? Be careful with what you say, and treat others how you want to be treated. Create a better world.

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The State of the Union

Hello dear readers,

Welcome back, it has been quite a while. I’m sure you’re looking at the title with weary skepticism and apprehension. So, here is my warning: I have something that has been weighing on me, and it needs to be said. I understand I may lose followers or readers, and that’s okay. I don’t make any money on this site- I am sharing my observations and inferences.

“Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” -Emma Lazarus

Over the last few months, we have witnessed many global events- a pandemic, militarized police, unprecedented economic instability, and attempted government censorship. We have seen scenes like these unfold, just not in such a short amount of time. I’m speaking from an older Gen Z- I can remember 9/11, but just barely. In many of my previous posts, I have mentioned some of my struggles with depression, throughout my childhood and in current times. I’ve mentioned that I didn’t expect to live past certain stages of life- each stage of life was a surprise (and not always welcome). Recently, I have realized that it was a common feeling among my generation. We did not expect to survive into adulthood, and some of us… didn’t want to. So, now we’re adults. Trying to navigate a world in which we did not expect to take part.

Not to mention how little we were prepared for it. We weren’t taught life skills, and when we questioned why things were they said, “It’s just the way it is.” “That’s how the world works.” When we came up with possible solutions they answered, “that’s not how it works.” They dismissed us and our ideas until we were of voting age, and started expanding our education. Even the Gen Z’ers who are still minors have expanded their knowledge. We have the internet and can detect credible sources (thanks to English class). So, we began learning how the system was designed, the reasoning behind the decisions they made for it to be that way – then it was manipulated through the years. Gen Z has recognized that we don’t like the flow of the system. It’s broken and needs some upgrading because we’re falling behind the rest of the world. It is also failing millions of people. The generation before us, the millennials, started trying to fix it, but they were blocked by older generations (baby boomers and Gen X) who believe in “the good ole’ days.” They were ridiculed and belittled. Boomers would say, “you just need to work harder.” “It’s your fault.” “I don’t want to pay for someone else’s way.” “I didn’t get help; Why should they?” Do any of those statements sound familiar? Together, Millenials and Gen Z’ers have the numbers to create real change. Still, they are trying to block anything we try to do. They scream, “SOCIALISTS” “COMMUNISTS” (and my personal favorite) “TERRORIST LIBTARD DEMOCRAPS.” They’re regurgitating the rhetoric they have been fed for years. They were instilled with fear, hate, and segregation. No, it’s not okay. It most certainly is no excuse, but they fear collective ideas as a result. They know we can win this time, and that we have changed in our plans. We need to get back on the world’s stage. We need to get back up to 1st world status. We need to continue to improve our education, healthcare, and government systems. These areas are vital in creating a sustainable future.

These efforts are being undermined by those in power (on both sides). We are calling for equality, transparency, and accountability. We, now, have access to the world’s information, and we need to protect the freedom to access it. With it, we can think for ourselves in an informed manner. We need to safeguard the Constitution, as it has never been under more strain than it is now. No, I’m not talking about masks or fact-checking social media posts. I’m talking about the immigrants at the border whose rights are withheld. I’ve heard people say that the Constitution only applies to citizens. That’s wrong, but even if that was correct, we have international laws to abide by; Laws, which we helped to create. We are accountable to those countries with corresponding treaties. However, the most fundamental point is the fact that they are HUMANS!!!!! People of color are having their 1st, 2nd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, and 9th amendment rights ignored! They are being murdered by police before an investigation of the crime can begin. Being accused of a crime does not warrant arrest. Having an attitude does not warrant arrest, and it especially does not excuse excessive force. Police officers have to follow the law, too. These are the BASIC rights when dealing with the police. The police are supposed to “protect & serve” the entire community. They need to treat their neighbors as human beings, not criminals.

By helping our neighbors, we can ensure they, and their children, have equal opportunity. Our struggle should not be our children’s struggles. My generation grew up with depression and anxiety, from a system of parenting and teaching styles, the next generation should have better -they deserve better. The system is flawed and we have to change it for the better. It is already changing before our eyes. It will either become a Fascist Corporate state or; We can keep our Democratic Republic and extend freedoms to those people who are held back from the privilege of experiencing the full American dream.

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Our Death of A Thousand Cuts…

Text in Quotes and Italics are the property of Taylor Swift, excerpts from “Death By a Thousand Cuts” from Lover.

Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts. Flashbacks waking me up…”

I went downtown tonight, and as I drifted through these new streets- I could see your face. Like a ghost you’re right there, haunting me with your blue eyes and easy smile. Reminding me of that sudden goodbye. My reprieve came from the empty blackness, which melted you into a dream.

“I ask the traffic lights if it’ll be alright, they said I don’t know.”

Driving through town, I look in my passenger seat. For a minute, it’s like you’re right there next to me. Your laugh, I can barely remember, but the light in your eyes shines so brightly my heart aches. My eyes search for you. My hears try to listen for your voice. I shake my head as the light changes, and press the gas. I don’t know where I’m going, so I just drive forward. Anything to numb that ache that has settled in my chest.

“My heart, my hips, my body, my love trying to find a part of me you didn’t touch. Gave up on me like I was a bad drug. Now, I’m searching for signs in a haunted club. My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust. Trying to find a part of me you didn’t take up. Gave you too much, but it wasn’t enough.”

Every part of me reminds me of you. One look in the mirror and the memories flashback. Shits got me going crazy. Now I’m not the lady you wanted. There’s someone else in my place, and I can’t want to go back to you. I shouldn’t want to go back, I should just move forward. But, boy you played more games than Brady. I can’t go back too much truth has spilled from both sides. Every word from every fight left cuts, and though they’ve healed into scars. I can’t forget them. Maybe, I’m sorry. Maybe, we could have worked things out. Maybe, that was our test- we failed, and the grade has been posted for everyone to see. The ink has dried, and so have my eyes.

“I’ll be alright… it’s just a thousand cuts.”

“…I get drunk, but it’s not enough.”

I take the long way home… I ask the traffic lights if it’ll be alright. They said I don’t know…

Faintly, our memories danced among the street lights. As the morning sun rises, I can breath a bit easier. Our place will always be one door away. Though I may glance through the glass window. I will never go through it, again. I came through it broken and stained, stumbling and half crazy. I don’t regret any of our time, though. I’ve transformed into something stronger.

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I’m Not Angry Anymore…

I didn’t realize how angry I was before. I didn’t realize how much of my water was boiling over with every drop from the mist of life. I couldn’t see the weight I was being held under- from my sins and the sins of those around me. I tried to carry it all, because that’s what we try to do for those we love.

We try to pick up their falling pieces, in hopes that one day they will look for them… and they’ll be safe with you. In doing so, you carry them around in you. In your pocket, at first, so that it’s readily available. Then, in a bag on your shoulder as you pick up more pieces. Eventually, you put them on a bookshelf. You’re not carrying them around, so it should relieve some of the strain.

It doesn’t, though. Those pieces that were dropped, were supposed to drop. They were shaping that person. No matter the nobility of your intentions, carrying those pieces wasn’t your job. Don’t regret it, though. Do not kick yourself for trying to help. Do not loose that part of you.

Instead, stop. Right now, whatever you’re doing (so long as it is safe to do so) and look around. Take in the buildings, and the people around you. Take a breath, and shake. Shake off the dead pieces that you’re carrying. Then walk away and leave them there.

I don’t know when I dropped the pieces that I was carrying. One day, I realized that I could breathe deeper. The world wasn’t “out to get me”. It was just moving on. My pot of water wasn’t boiling over, just a low simmer.

This life can still be exhausting. As I explained in my previous post, just trying to survive as an individual is overwhelming. I’m trying to hold on. Letting go was just the first step. I’ve found peace within. Now, I just have to find a place in the world.