So, last year was when I really started acting out on my thoughts. I never self harmed before that. It was all just thoughts, and burying them deep down. I never acknowledged them, not out loud anyway. I thought that because I didn’t act on them, they were not dangerous. I did not give heed to the power those thought had. I ignored all the posters and lectures telling to get help. It took years for it to build to the point that it did become dangerous.
The first time I attempted suicide, I took a bunch of pills (or what I thought was a bunch). All I remember was trying to make sure I did it quietly, just go to sleep and not wake up. I did cry, though. I don’t know why. Maybe a mixture of fear and relief. BUT… I woke up the next morning. I was SO angry that day. Everyone thought I was just in a bad mood. I was just disappointed that I had failed. It was another failure in my eyes. I didn’t tell anyone, because I knew the labels. “Only did it for attention.” Even worse if they found out that I DID intend to die. I just didn’t realize how hard it is to die.
I tried again a couple weeks later, this time I got a bit closer. I took a mixture of Tylenol and Ibuprofen (with some Vicodin in there). I woke up in the middle of the night with severe stomach pain. I chickened out and called my brother to have him drive me to the hospital. I didn’t tell him what happened -Not right away. He only found out when I confessed to the nurse. That trip landed me in a behavioral facility, and now I have a sensitivity to over the counter medications. I got into counseling and was put on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications. I was doing a bit better, but I was still spiraling inside. I got behind on my bills, and slowly, I sank more and more. By this time it was September.
I knew I had things to look forward to that month. Things I needed to be apart of. I had Taylor Swift tickets. I had my best friend’s wedding (which I was maid of honor). Even though I knew and wanted to be there, there was still a voice deep inside “Don’t go, they don’t need you.” That voice became louder than everything else. So, this time, I had a note ready. I took different medications -and more of them. This was #3!!!
Again, I woke up the next morning and went to work (even though I felt so sick and tired -DUH!!) I just prepared for the concert I had been looking forward to since a year prior… TAYLOR SWIFT!!! It was the best time of my life! Then, my best friend’s wedding the next weekend. SUPER FUN!!! Things were good, but I still couldn’t seem to pay my bills! Also, things at work changed and things there were spiraling. At this point, I knew I had to leave. Everyone was trying to talk me out of it, but I knew that if I did not leave I would succeed. Heck, I even attempted again! #4
This time I took almost a full bottle of my anxiety meds, benadyrl, and some others. I was trying to use the very things that were trying to help, to end my life!! The irony was not lost on me. I ended up in the ICU. I had to change something! I still couldn’t pay my bills (my hours decreased from being in the hospital). So, I took a leap of faith and moved to Arizona. I was there for a month, and failed that job. So, now I moved to California.