Part of depression, for me, is reliving mistakes and agonizing over the details and “what if”s. Tonight, it was this man I knew in Arizona. It started off as just a quick hit, but we started seeing each other more and more. I started having feelings for him. I really liked him… I said that, didn’t I?
My problem is I feel too much too fast. I don’t pace myself. As much as I’ve tried, I just can’t get the hang of it. Maybe he felt the same way, but he was terrified that I would do exactly as I did… and leave. I was terrified of the same thing. When I’m scared, I run. I leave it behind and move to somewhere else far away. I’ve needed someone to hold me back, to hug me and say “I want you to stay.” Not just anyone, but that someone. He almost did, but now I’m here. I’m stuck with his ghost reminding me of how his arms felt pulling me closer in the middle of the night. I can feel the whisper of his beard on my neck. Every night, in my dreams, I do stay. I go back to his hot-as-hell room, snuggled in his bed that was made every day. Tonight I can feel it so much, that I just hope that he thinks of me too. I hope when he plays the movies I bought, he flashes back to the midnight kisses and 2 am cuddles.
He was a shooting star wish, that turned into an airplane. Tea leaves that were washed away… And it was by my own hand. I didn’t see him before I left. I deleted his number, and told myself I will find someone better.
If by some divine happenstance you see this, please know. I pray everyday that you find someone who terrifies you just as much, but they have what I didn’t -the courage to stay.