The last few weeks have been a whirlwind! Getting a job, working, and meeting this amazing man. Being back at work is still a little anxiety inducing, but it’s not as bad as it was. I find myself able to calm down, and regain the balance in my see-sawing mind. I know what to do, and there is only some slight differences in how to do it. It has been so very nice. I’m just slightly out of tune, but I can feel the gears loosening up.
I met this guy. He is so nice, and charming. It’s all so early, but I think the butterflies I’ve kept caged are fluttering again. My heart that was once a frozen fortress, is slowly warming to a vibrant palace. Oh, I can feel the sun again! Through the walls that I built up to fortify and protect the fragile and weak part of myself which has been broken by so many traitors. Its’ rays find the cracks in the curtains, and it feels so inviting! Still, I am afraid to open the gate. I fear what could happen if I do, but I moved out here despite the “what ifs”. I can’t fear them if I want to keep my momentum building. So, I am letting pieces of me out. Little by little, I am revealing the small parts of me. Eventually, I will let him into everything because I think this is LOVE. I can’t be too sure, because the other loves I’ve ever known were destructive and devastating.
I’ve, also, regained my faith. I’ve found strength in my God and His son, Jesus Christ. I’m not going to preach, I’m just saying that praying helps. Letting things go, is lifting the weight of the world off of my shoulders. It’s too much for me, and I can’t do it alone. So, I need spiritual help.
Despite all these good things happening, there are still pesky little voices whispering doubts and insecurities. It’s the same chorus of “not good enough”, “why this”, “do you really think you can do that”, “what makes you think you can do THAT”. The good things have kind of helped add some treble to the constant bass. I’m letting them take over the scale, and interweave themselves through the song so it doesn’t constantly keep me down.
Things are getting better. I just have to embrace them, and take another chance.