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The Fall

Since my last post I’ve been really struggling to keep my Depression in control. I’ve been trying really hard to not let it control me. Yet, there are mornings where I don’t see the point in waking up. It seems like all my strength went into the simple task of opening my eyes. I have to get out of bed so I can work. I have to work so that I can pay my bills. I’m so grateful to be working, I tell myself over and over, like a spell that (I’m hoping) will magically make the despondency disappear with the same abruptness in which it came…

Though, though being at work creates a different problem, because Depression has a friend which we call Anxiety. This friend is the drama queen of the group. I’ve once heard that Anxiety is a good thing, because it tells you when you need to get out of a situation. What do you do, though, when it keeps crying wolf. Blaring it’s warnings like sirens through your brain. There is no actual danger. You are doing good. You don’t suck at your job. It’s okay that you messed up that taco. It’s not the end of the world. That’s not the song that gets heard. No, that one gets blocked by the blaring self denigration that Anxiety shouts.

It’s not just work. This is poured into every aspect of my life. Even my relationship, I feel Anxiety creeping into it. Depression just tags along. Each of them whispering their own cuts into this taspestry that we’re trying to build. I’m trying really hard to not push him away, yet when I get a text… I just don’t want to answer. It’s not HIM that I don’t want to answer. It’s anyone who calls or texts. I just don’t have the energy to do it . I just want to stay holed up under my blankets and not move or do anything, because it becomes the place I feel safest. It’s, also, the most dangerous. It’s the closest to the bottom I have been in a couple months.

If you feel this way, you’re not alone. Feel free to contact me, and we can get through this together. Or, call a help center. I’ve had to a couple times. I haven’t gotten back to the bottom, yet. I’m trying really hard to keep my head above water. I have been there, though, and I can at least offer you some air, or a life vest.

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