I got a call from my brother a couple days ago. He and his wife are expecting their 2nd child. I’m so happy for them! I love my brother and his wife, they have been there for me through a lot and my brother understands my suicidal nature. He’s (well, really they both have) been through it too, and it’s good to have some one to talk to who’s not judgemental.
So, they’re expecting baby #2. I was there for #1 and she is just the cutest little thing! She has my heart, truly. I don’t want children if my own (another topic for another day) so she is the closest thing. Her new sibling (too early to tell) is just the same. I love this new little life, so much. Being so far away, I don’t think I’ll be able to make it. Also, my niece doesn’t know who I am. I’m sure my parents and brother talk about me to her… but I still feel guilty about not being as active in her life as I would like to be. Maybe one day she’ll understand that I’m bettering my life and chasing my dreams. Maybe she’ll be proud of me…
Maybe one day it’ll all be worth it. I understand, now how my aunts must have felt when we moved away. There is nothing quite like being an aunt. They say motherhood is better, but I’ve never wanted that in my future. I’ve been told that I will change my mind. That it is my duty, as a woman and a Christian, to “be fruitful and multiply”. That my future husband might want kids, and I’ll change my mind. That it would be selfish of me to not have his children. I’ve, also, been told that I should be grateful to have a healthy uterus and by not having a child, I am a disgrace to those who want kids but can’t have them.
All of this has been weighing on me. I know for a fact that motherhood is not for me; and that I will do everything in my power to make sure that does not change. So many people want to tell me how to use my body. They tell me that I am a person and that I matter, but to most people I (as a female) only serve 1 purpose: to breed babies. Whether I want to or not- and if I don’t I better be celibate because women are only allowed to have sex if it’s to procreate. I love my niece, and kids are great… who knows maybe I will want to raise a child someday? I know for a fact that I will NEVER want to experience pregnancy. It’s just not something I want.