So much had happened since the last time I posted. I just haven’t been able to sit down and type. I haven’t felt like it. Everything has felt heavy and like I’m trying to walk through Jello or mud. I’ve been exhausted, yet I can’t sleep. Most of it has been from the bills stacking up that I can’t afford to pay. I had to go back to my hometown, and face the judgement from a creditor. So, everything just has been… heavy, and empty, and hopeless.
I’ve come up with a plan to navigate this upcoming year. Hopefully, I won’t fall deeper into the hole that I’ve been in. Since we last visited, I’ve tried to kill myself. I took 19 (ish) pills of Prozac. NEVER DO THAT! The side effects were terrible, even worse because I didn’t tell anyone. So, what it can do is cause Serotonin Syndrome and, basically, causes fever, tremors, sweating, and more very nasty effects. If you go through this, GO TO A DOCTOR!!! I was miserable and totally out of my mind. I didn’t know what I was doing, when I did it. Everything felt wobbly and dream-like but not in a good way. So, I did that because I am just so tired of everything and it all feels like I’m not living for anything. It, also, feels like life is forced (kinda is, though). Fortunately, as far as I’m aware, I have not had any long lasting effects… though my anxiety is through the roof and I still have some tremors.
However, in better news, I will be posting some things from my written journals. I found more old ones, and I have a new one that I’ll be throwing in there.
It’s the Holidays, too! It’s a beautiful, magical, and absolutely lonely time of year. You guys. We’re almost to 2020. I don’t know why I’m excited, but this year will be better than before! We can make it! Also, we should make sure to vote!!! I don’t care who you vote for, just vote your way.
So, as I said in the beginning of this post everything feels heavy. When, I tried to end it all, it was because it feels like I’m drowning under the weight of adult pressures and expectations. Not to mention the shame from not having money, and accepting gifts when I have nothing to give. It’s a horrible feeling, and I know most of you feel the same. It really sucks, but there’s a slight voice deep inside saying “just hold your breath, you’ll come up for air soon.” So, I keep hoping. That’s really all that we can do. Keep hope (no matter how small) even if all it does is keep us 1 or 2 pills away from lights out. I don’t know if I’m sinking or if I’m being dragged through. I’m not going to fight it, though. Either way.
Good night, for now. More to come!