Is it time to go?

Hello Dear Readers,

I am sitting here in my apartment and I have so much on my mind. I want to tell you of a lesson that though I’ve learned. I have a hard time stopping myself from repeating. It’s okay to repeat a lesson, you know. There are no rules when it comes to life, besides not causing harm and things like that. However, my repeat offense I’ve come to realize is I run. As with most of my posts, I tell the story, then tie in the lesson. With this one, however, there is no one specific story. I have so many stories where I leave so abruptly they rarely have an ending. Just: I left… The End.

I talked a little about it in my post from 2 years ago “Walking Away” I mentioned how I left a guy I once knew in Arizona. Well, between “Our Death” and “The State of the Union“. I did it again. I walked away from California, and my life there. The thing with leaving is it feels so good at the moment. It is a high, one that I once thought was a “healthy high” as some call it. With all highs, though, you have to come down and there are consequences that you cannot escape. As hard as you may try, you can’t ignore how you hurt the people you left. That becomes guilt and though you can grow from it, you can’t sidestep it. It will always catch up to you. Well, in my case it comes back in memories late at night. I can see it as a video playing back on a presentation screen. I miss those moments, and sometimes I look back to see how the people I left are now.

I would be lying if I said I don’t wonder what could have been. I also have many “what if’s”. Tonight, the memories came back from seeing a small profile picture in my messenger, that said he’s online. Tonight, I’m glad I never erased his messages. I can go back and read them like looking through a yearbook. I remember how he found me on Facebook after months of not speaking. I remember meeting up and our night-time drives. How we ended up at the top of that hill overlooking San Luis, and on the back roads of Nipomo. If you happen to read this, I hope you’re doing well. I cheer for every success and feel sorry for every loss. You work so hard. I know we can’t go back, but we can remember. At least, I hope you remember those times as fondly as I do.

As for YOU, my dear reader, I want you to know that it’s okay to leave. Just make sure you tie up your loose ends before you do. Always know that you do have an impact on others’ lives – for worse or for better. The experiences and the talks, the drinks, and the silences. It all ends up in a story for everyone involved. Just different versions. I hope, in the end, it was all worth it.

I’ve been wondering if I should move again. The urge comes like a tickle in the back of my mind. The scenery gets old, and the interstate looks like an adventure again. I can’t make up my mind (that’s nothing new) but I know that when the time comes, I will feel it in my gut. It will feel right.

The last time, I didn’t have that. It was just a whirlwind of adrenaline and a sense of loss and wonderland. Then I got stuck with lockdown, and then a lease. Funny how things just add on. Grandma always says “If you don’t have a plan, life will make one for you.” I’m beginning to understand just how right she is.

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