For the longest time, I didn’t understand why or how she did it. She cut off her family and walked away. I couldn’t understand, because I was raised that you don’t give up on family. No matter what.
I understand now. Blood ties mean nothing if they keep hurting you. If they keep causing harm to your peace and your calm. If they take it upon themselves to make decisions for you, then write it off as if they were looking out for your interests. They don’t see that they don’t know you anymore. They can’t see the changes or the reasons behind the actions you take. Even worse, sometimes they do see it, but they write you off anyway. They dismiss your decisions and feelings because it doesn’t suit them. It doesn’t fit what they think, so they try to manipulate it to fit their views.
I understand why she did it, and now I have to do it too. I have to walk away from the poison that has almost killed me time and again. A family shouldn’t hurt each other like this. This isn’t what family does, and I cannot continue to be a part of it. I cannot sit there every birthday/holiday/get-togethers and pretend like this is ever going to heal. That I will be okay because I won’t.
They will be angry and, they will place the blame on others because that is what they do. They will write me off as “overdramatic,” “crazy,” or any other way they will describe this. They will say that I let a boy come between us. They will say, “he wasn’t worth it.” They will say, “he wasn’t good enough for me.” or that I’m “too good for him.” I know that is what they will say because it is what they have been saying since Friday. They don’t see it was their actions that caused this rift. They won’t witness the damage they have caused – I won’t allow them to. I will pick up and move on and continue to survive, but they cannot fix this. They won’t be able to see how deeply this stab in the back cut me.
All they will see, is how this effects them. How could I do this to them, because this hurts them. It won’t, though, that’s the thing. My presence, or absence, never meant anything to them. I’ve moved so far and they think I move to run from my problems. I do run. I run from toxic people. That has been the driving factor in all of my moves. I started feeling suffocated and unable to grow. So, I left. It was easy, too. Leaving is easy for me. This last interference, though, the way they ignored everything that I was saying. The way they ignored the sound of my world shattering, and then blocked every attempt I made to hold on to something -anything. Again.