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What I never got to say…

Hello, dear readers, in the last few months since my last post I had managed to enter a relationship and he, subsequently, ended things 8 days ago. I did not find out until 6 days ago but, I digress, it left me with things I wanted to say. We all have those moments, I think, but I need to say them.

I wasn’t looking for anything when I met him. In fact, I really didn’t have any plans to continue talking to him after that first meet. He was nice, but I still had my heart set on someone else. Looking back, I wish I had listened to myself. Anyway, we talked for a couple days and I invited him over. We had dinner, he brought flowers, we talked about our lives- family, job, goals, etc.- and I told him I didn’t want just another hookup or any games. I said, “If that’s what you’re looking for, great, but not with me.” The next day, he changed our status on Facebook to “In a relationship”. It was a surprise to me, but I went with it.

Over the next few weeks, we dated, hung out, met families. It was okay, but things started getting rocky around the 6th week. I hurt my hip super bad, to the point I went to the ER. I didn’t tell him, until the end of the visit so I could know what was going on. Well, that week I didn’t really see him. We messaged everyday, but something felt… off. That next weekend, we fought about a TikTok video he made, which I got mad about. We almost broke up that weekend, but we worked things out. Things weren’t the same after that. He said something that weekend that stuck with me for the last two weeks. “I’m focusing on myself and my kids.” I was really struggling that week. I didn’t tell anybody (I never do, until it’s too late) but he went out of town, and I had a day off where I realized no one was expecting to hear from me. No one would check on me for a whole day, and I had a full bottle of strong muscle relaxers. I planned for that to be… my last day. Well I chickened out, once they started to kick in, because they caused me to pretty violently throw up. I knew it was going to happen, I just wasn’t prepared to be that bad, so I called my brother and then my mom (they live an hour away) they both agreed I should go to the hospital. So, I called an Uber and headed over. I didn’t him any of this was happening. I didn’t want to ruin his weekend, if it had worked out the way I had planned he wouldn’t have found out until that Sunday. I would’ve been dead, and the world would move on. He made it so abundantly clear just how easy it would be for him to move on. Well, I got admitted to an inpatient facility (I should have known) and while I was there I got the help I needed and got a new perspective on life. What I didn’t know, was after he talked to my mom… he changed his Facebook back to single. When I got out, that was the first thing I saw, and his first message to me was, “We need to talk in person.” We didn’t talk in person, he was “out of town with friends.” His reasoning was he couldn’t be worrying about me on top of everything else. So, with that here’s my response.

I know how you justified it, but I also worked out the true reason. You had been wanting to break up since our first fight. After that, you had backed out emotionally. You stopped caring. I could feel it. That’s what was so off. I told you how low I get. I told you how dangerous I can be to myself. I warned you about this. I didn’t need you to worry- I needed you to CARE. I’ve come to realize you never truly cared about me. You cared about how I made you look. You cared about the sex. You cared about your ability to brag about it. You cared about how good I made you feel. I made you a priority, but you couldn’t even put me on your list. That was all I was asking, all that I wanted. I wanted you to not want to lose me, as much as I didn’t want to lose you. You asked why I didn’t come to you. I didn’t go to anyone. If I had you what I was thinking about, what my brain was trying to justify. You would have used that, too, as an opening to run. You found an excuse, and you LEFT. You abandoned me when I needed you the most. When I needed just AN OUNCE of compassion, and support. I was hoping for a discussion, and a “We’ll get through this, but next time talk to me. No matter what I’m doing.” I guess that was too much, though. You didn’t even have the balls to say it to my face. You hid behind your friends, Facebook, and text messages, just another excuse to not give me an ounce of respect. I’m willing to bet you couldn’t meet my eyes if you tried. You should feel shame, because the way you ended it was cowardice and immature. Still, I’m the one hurt.

So, now, I work less than a minute away and the bar I go to is just down the street from your dad’s. I’m reminded of you everywhere I go in this town. There is not one place that you haven’t touched, and yet, I still search for you. Every time I see a red Honda, or a motorcycle, my heart drops and my breath catches. Every street in this small town brings fresh pain. I’m coping with sad songs and alcohol (probably not the greatest decision). Congratulations, by the way, you have a few new Taylor Swift song dedications. It doesn’t matter how many times I say I’m over it, or how many drunken nights I dance away. It doesn’t make it feel any better. It will, though, eventually. It will get easier, and I will use the tools I gathered that weekend to become a better, stronger version of myself. The affirmations don’t stop the “what ifs”. They don’t numb the pain of the heartbreak. They don’t stop the memories, or flashbacks. The realization of our last kiss, last hug, etc. Those come out of no where, and leave me aching (again).

What I find the most pathetic part of it all, is you probably don’t even think about me at all. You’ve probably erased me from your mind, just as I have tried to do for you. You’re probably so good at it, too. You’ve probably found another distraction by now. You probably hate me now, and blame me for the end. I want you to see how much you hurt me, I want you to see what damage you caused. It won’t mean anything to a guy like you. So, aside from this post, and a maybe a few TikToks, I won’t allow you to see how much you hurt me. I’m going to keep moving forward, and allow it to get easier. I really did fall for you, I wanted us to make it through; but when one person is half in, when it was that easy for you to walk away. You were never really in it in the first place. If I was of any importance to you, maybe you would have shown it.

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