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The State of the Union

Hello dear readers,

Welcome back, it has been quite a while. I’m sure you’re looking at the title with weary skepticism and apprehension. So, here is my warning: I have something that has been weighing on me, and it needs to be said. I understand I may lose followers or readers, and that’s okay. I don’t make any money on this site- I am sharing my observations and inferences.

“Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” -Emma Lazarus

Over the last few months, we have witnessed many global events- a pandemic, militarized police, unprecedented economic instability, and attempted government censorship. We have seen scenes like these unfold, just not in such a short amount of time. I’m speaking from an older Gen Z- I can remember 9/11, but just barely. In many of my previous posts, I have mentioned some of my struggles with depression, throughout my childhood and in current times. I’ve mentioned that I didn’t expect to live past certain stages of life- each stage of life was a surprise (and not always welcome). Recently, I have realized that it was a common feeling among my generation. We did not expect to survive into adulthood, and some of us… didn’t want to. So, now we’re adults. Trying to navigate a world in which we did not expect to take part.

Not to mention how little we were prepared for it. We weren’t taught life skills, and when we questioned why things were they said, “It’s just the way it is.” “That’s how the world works.” When we came up with possible solutions they answered, “that’s not how it works.” They dismissed us and our ideas until we were of voting age, and started expanding our education. Even the Gen Z’ers who are still minors have expanded their knowledge. We have the internet and can detect credible sources (thanks to English class). So, we began learning how the system was designed, the reasoning behind the decisions they made for it to be that way – then it was manipulated through the years. Gen Z has recognized that we don’t like the flow of the system. It’s broken and needs some upgrading because we’re falling behind the rest of the world. It is also failing millions of people. The generation before us, the millennials, started trying to fix it, but they were blocked by older generations (baby boomers and Gen X) who believe in “the good ole’ days.” They were ridiculed and belittled. Boomers would say, “you just need to work harder.” “It’s your fault.” “I don’t want to pay for someone else’s way.” “I didn’t get help; Why should they?” Do any of those statements sound familiar? Together, Millenials and Gen Z’ers have the numbers to create real change. Still, they are trying to block anything we try to do. They scream, “SOCIALISTS” “COMMUNISTS” (and my personal favorite) “TERRORIST LIBTARD DEMOCRAPS.” They’re regurgitating the rhetoric they have been fed for years. They were instilled with fear, hate, and segregation. No, it’s not okay. It most certainly is no excuse, but they fear collective ideas as a result. They know we can win this time, and that we have changed in our plans. We need to get back on the world’s stage. We need to get back up to 1st world status. We need to continue to improve our education, healthcare, and government systems. These areas are vital in creating a sustainable future.

These efforts are being undermined by those in power (on both sides). We are calling for equality, transparency, and accountability. We, now, have access to the world’s information, and we need to protect the freedom to access it. With it, we can think for ourselves in an informed manner. We need to safeguard the Constitution, as it has never been under more strain than it is now. No, I’m not talking about masks or fact-checking social media posts. I’m talking about the immigrants at the border whose rights are withheld. I’ve heard people say that the Constitution only applies to citizens. That’s wrong, but even if that was correct, we have international laws to abide by; Laws, which we helped to create. We are accountable to those countries with corresponding treaties. However, the most fundamental point is the fact that they are HUMANS!!!!! People of color are having their 1st, 2nd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, and 9th amendment rights ignored! They are being murdered by police before an investigation of the crime can begin. Being accused of a crime does not warrant arrest. Having an attitude does not warrant arrest, and it especially does not excuse excessive force. Police officers have to follow the law, too. These are the BASIC rights when dealing with the police. The police are supposed to “protect & serve” the entire community. They need to treat their neighbors as human beings, not criminals.

By helping our neighbors, we can ensure they, and their children, have equal opportunity. Our struggle should not be our children’s struggles. My generation grew up with depression and anxiety, from a system of parenting and teaching styles, the next generation should have better -they deserve better. The system is flawed and we have to change it for the better. It is already changing before our eyes. It will either become a Fascist Corporate state or; We can keep our Democratic Republic and extend freedoms to those people who are held back from the privilege of experiencing the full American dream.

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Our Death of A Thousand Cuts…

Text in Quotes and Italics are the property of Taylor Swift, excerpts from “Death By a Thousand Cuts” from Lover.

Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts. Flashbacks waking me up…”

I went downtown tonight, and as I drifted through these new streets- I could see your face. Like a ghost you’re right there, haunting me with your blue eyes and easy smile. Reminding me of that sudden goodbye. My reprieve came from the empty blackness, which melted you into a dream.

“I ask the traffic lights if it’ll be alright, they said I don’t know.”

Driving through town, I look in my passenger seat. For a minute, it’s like you’re right there next to me. Your laugh, I can barely remember, but the light in your eyes shines so brightly my heart aches. My eyes search for you. My hears try to listen for your voice. I shake my head as the light changes, and press the gas. I don’t know where I’m going, so I just drive forward. Anything to numb that ache that has settled in my chest.

“My heart, my hips, my body, my love trying to find a part of me you didn’t touch. Gave up on me like I was a bad drug. Now, I’m searching for signs in a haunted club. My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust. Trying to find a part of me you didn’t take up. Gave you too much, but it wasn’t enough.”

Every part of me reminds me of you. One look in the mirror and the memories flashback. Shits got me going crazy. Now I’m not the lady you wanted. There’s someone else in my place, and I can’t want to go back to you. I shouldn’t want to go back, I should just move forward. But, boy you played more games than Brady. I can’t go back too much truth has spilled from both sides. Every word from every fight left cuts, and though they’ve healed into scars. I can’t forget them. Maybe, I’m sorry. Maybe, we could have worked things out. Maybe, that was our test- we failed, and the grade has been posted for everyone to see. The ink has dried, and so have my eyes.

“I’ll be alright… it’s just a thousand cuts.”

“…I get drunk, but it’s not enough.”

I take the long way home… I ask the traffic lights if it’ll be alright. They said I don’t know…

Faintly, our memories danced among the street lights. As the morning sun rises, I can breath a bit easier. Our place will always be one door away. Though I may glance through the glass window. I will never go through it, again. I came through it broken and stained, stumbling and half crazy. I don’t regret any of our time, though. I’ve transformed into something stronger.

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I’m Not Angry Anymore…

I didn’t realize how angry I was before. I didn’t realize how much of my water was boiling over with every drop from the mist of life. I couldn’t see the weight I was being held under- from my sins and the sins of those around me. I tried to carry it all, because that’s what we try to do for those we love.

We try to pick up their falling pieces, in hopes that one day they will look for them… and they’ll be safe with you. In doing so, you carry them around in you. In your pocket, at first, so that it’s readily available. Then, in a bag on your shoulder as you pick up more pieces. Eventually, you put them on a bookshelf. You’re not carrying them around, so it should relieve some of the strain.

It doesn’t, though. Those pieces that were dropped, were supposed to drop. They were shaping that person. No matter the nobility of your intentions, carrying those pieces wasn’t your job. Don’t regret it, though. Do not kick yourself for trying to help. Do not loose that part of you.

Instead, stop. Right now, whatever you’re doing (so long as it is safe to do so) and look around. Take in the buildings, and the people around you. Take a breath, and shake. Shake off the dead pieces that you’re carrying. Then walk away and leave them there.

I don’t know when I dropped the pieces that I was carrying. One day, I realized that I could breathe deeper. The world wasn’t “out to get me”. It was just moving on. My pot of water wasn’t boiling over, just a low simmer.

This life can still be exhausting. As I explained in my previous post, just trying to survive as an individual is overwhelming. I’m trying to hold on. Letting go was just the first step. I’ve found peace within. Now, I just have to find a place in the world.

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Bing pulled under… or forward?

So much had happened since the last time I posted. I just haven’t been able to sit down and type. I haven’t felt like it. Everything has felt heavy and like I’m trying to walk through Jello or mud. I’ve been exhausted, yet I can’t sleep. Most of it has been from the bills stacking up that I can’t afford to pay. I had to go back to my hometown, and face the judgement from a creditor. So, everything just has been… heavy, and empty, and hopeless.

I’ve come up with a plan to navigate this upcoming year. Hopefully, I won’t fall deeper into the hole that I’ve been in. Since we last visited, I’ve tried to kill myself. I took 19 (ish) pills of Prozac. NEVER DO THAT! The side effects were terrible, even worse because I didn’t tell anyone. So, what it can do is cause Serotonin Syndrome and, basically, causes fever, tremors, sweating, and more very nasty effects. If you go through this, GO TO A DOCTOR!!! I was miserable and totally out of my mind. I didn’t know what I was doing, when I did it. Everything felt wobbly and dream-like but not in a good way. So, I did that because I am just so tired of everything and it all feels like I’m not living for anything. It, also, feels like life is forced (kinda is, though). Fortunately, as far as I’m aware, I have not had any long lasting effects… though my anxiety is through the roof and I still have some tremors.

However, in better news, I will be posting some things from my written journals. I found more old ones, and I have a new one that I’ll be throwing in there.

It’s the Holidays, too! It’s a beautiful, magical, and absolutely lonely time of year. You guys. We’re almost to 2020. I don’t know why I’m excited, but this year will be better than before! We can make it! Also, we should make sure to vote!!! I don’t care who you vote for, just vote your way.

So, as I said in the beginning of this post everything feels heavy. When, I tried to end it all, it was because it feels like I’m drowning under the weight of adult pressures and expectations. Not to mention the shame from not having money, and accepting gifts when I have nothing to give. It’s a horrible feeling, and I know most of you feel the same. It really sucks, but there’s a slight voice deep inside saying “just hold your breath, you’ll come up for air soon.” So, I keep hoping. That’s really all that we can do. Keep hope (no matter how small) even if all it does is keep us 1 or 2 pills away from lights out. I don’t know if I’m sinking or if I’m being dragged through. I’m not going to fight it, though. Either way.

Good night, for now. More to come!

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Dear Taylor,

This past has been crazy! Even more so for you- I hope you find the time to sleep and take care of yourself. After your new release I (and a million others) went to Target and were granted the opportunity to be gifted with 120 pages of journal entries- you told us before hand, but here we are. 🙂 So many of your entries reminded me of my (our) own.

I’m sure you’re aware, but in your fan base our vision of you has changed. You’ve gone from teen-idol, to super-sensation, all the way to a dear old friend. You think of us and we think of you. You’re that friend who says what we are too shy to say, or can’t seem to place the words in the right order. You’re that friend who only gets to talk once in a while, but it always picks right back up. I’m sure you get thousands of “thank yous” and “we love yous”, you’re truly apart of our lives- even when you’re thousands of miles away and we never meet. You’ve created something truly remarkable and admirable.

Your songs, our letters, one fandom we stand and express our love and gratitude! Love live the magic!

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Sea foam

The only bad thing about working by the ocean, is the overwhelming urge to throw myself off the pier. Yeah, I know, it’s the depression talking. I don’t know why, but I’ve just been crying a lot lately. Replaying failures again, and again. I don’t know how to stop it. It’s okay when I’m in the ocean, because this meat suit has it own ways of forcing itself to live. I still just want to let go of the board, or go too far out. Maybe one day, I’ll slip on a rock or something.

I’m tired of lectures. Whether by someone else, or myself.  I’m tired of taking the blame, and everything being placed on my shoulders. I had to explain to someone that I’ve never planned for the future. Why? I don’t want to make it there. I don’t want to continue one more day, but instead of doing anything, I’ll cry myself to sleep, then wake up and pretend like everything is okay. Secretly, I’ll be wishing I could disappear into the sea foam.

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Common Causes of Childhood Depression

If you plant a young tree beside an underground stream of toxic water, its’ roots will grow down until they reach that stream. Every aspect of it’s life will be shaped by the contaminated water.”-Steven Levenkron’s Stolen Tomorrows

Hello again, Dear readers!

I have been working on this post for some time, and it will be a series (so stay tuned). I have told you my experiences with depression, and have given you a glimpse into some of the dark thoughts crossing my head. It’s time to learn why these thoughts occur and how it all started. After much research, there are a few ingredients that may have created the perfect environment for depression to settle and fester. These ingredients are:

  1. Abuse
    1. Sexual
    2. Physical
    3. Verbal/ mental

2) Genetics

3) A tramatic event

I want to start with sexual abuse, because it is SO prevalent in our society that we have become numb to it. We see the behavioral problems that may be a result from abuse, but we don’t take enough steps to try to help them process the emotions and thoughts.
Childhood sexual abuse is defined as a relationship involving phisical acts of violation by a person(s) who is older and/or more powerful than the child” (Levenkron, 19).
A child, though they may not be able to express, knows that what is happening is abuse. They know that they feel violated, and they feel like they are less valuable than those around them. The perpetrator pushes the feelings of guilt and shame on to their victim(s) and so it puts the child in a box. If they try to speak out, they just hear the echos of shame and guilt and each echo becomes a wall.

The child may develop certain behaviors such as: wanting others to look/touch their “privet parts”, doing drugs/ alcohol to “self medicate”, self harming, showing signs of withdrawal, depression, and social isolation, or they may act out with sexual promiscuity. These behaviors do not always stem from sexual abuse, but they are common behaviors to watch out for.

Children who experience abuse at a young age, develop defense mechanisms. (We all do, really- part of life is learning how to deal with things, but not at such an early age.) The first stage is called “magical thinking” (Levenkron, 22). The child believes that if they do better, the abuse will stop. If they pray, or do certain rituals, it will stop. Eventually, though, it won’t. Then they move into dissociation, where they send their mind to a happy place in order to not feel what is happening. Another thing that children do is place the blame on themselves. This can create a self loathing pattern of destructive behavior, and they just need help.

So, I told you all about my experience with my mom’s (ex)boyfriend. There is something that happened even earlier than that. I want to preface by saying that I love my family and I don’t regret my childhood. However, there were series of abuse throughout my life and it started around the age of 4- way before the age of 10/11. I experience sexual molestation by someone who didn’t really understand what they were doing. I have never really blamed them, because of the age and I think that some one (probably an adult) had done it to them. Nonetheless, it has shaped me and branded me from the age of 4 years old.
There is something completely wrong when a 4 year old experiences sexual activity. The brain, at that age, is not ready for those stimulants! It is JUST PLAIN WRONG! It alters the development, and the poor thing will never be the same! I was shown what an orgasm was at such an early age… I didn’t even know what it was! The rush of chemicals and hormones that I shouldn’t have discovered for another 14 YEARS! I was fortunate to not turn to drugs or alcohol. No… instead, I developed a sexual addiction. AT THE AGE OF 4 YEARS OLD!!!
I had a “boyfriend” at the age of 6 or 7 and I remember my parents laughing and saying it was “cute” and “normal”. I had inappropriate crushes on my parents’ friends, no, that wasn’t “cute” nor was it a laughing matter. As a teen I turned to online chat sites, and pornography. Parents, pay attention to your children. LISTEN to what they are trying to say and take the time to EXPLAIN things to them. Don’t just ground them and punish them, because they grow up. They become broken adults, and all they don’t know how to function as an adult. There is a reason for the sex laws.

Then, there is the emotional and mental abuse. This is can be many things that seem perfectly normal to some. It is not, though. If you say things like “Why are you crying? I’ll give you something to cry about!” That is not helping your child. That is teaching them to suppress their emotions. That is teaching them that their emotional expression is wrong and they’ll be punished for it. They need to be able to work through their emotions and identify what is making them upset. When your child comes to you with something exciting and they’re really happy about it. Your reaction of disinterest and disconnect is teaching them not to share their excitement.

If you are a victim… honey, I am so sorry. Please, seek therapy or help, even send me an email. Just focus on getting help. It is NEVER too late.
To this day, I get ridiculed my brother for having relationships with his friends. Also, for the number of “ex-boyfriends” I’ve had. He can’t see that the string of failed relationships comes from the fact they all thought it was okay to use me. He doesn’t see that I allowed it, because after all the years of abuse it was just another normalcy.
I’m working through it. I realized that my past has shaped me to be able to leave home. I am stronger, now. I am rebuilding my relationship with my family so that I can be happy. Even though I have low moments, I know that I cannot focus on everyone else in my life. In trying to make them all happy I lost myself. I’m finding who I am, again. You can too.

If we are going to stop childhood abuse, we have to hold the perpetrators accountable! Teach children that punishments also happen to adults. Also, STOP SAYING THAT IT WAS DESERVED or justifying the abuse as “discipline”. Smacking your child, is not “discipline”. Screaming at them for not doing their chores is not “discipline”. That is taking your anger out on the tiny human you created. Victim blaming is so weak and a pathetic way of passing guilt. No one deserves abuse. EVER!

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Family.

I got a call from my brother a couple days ago. He and his wife are expecting their 2nd child. I’m so happy for them! I love my brother and his wife, they have been there for me through a lot and my brother understands my suicidal nature. He’s (well, really they both have) been through it too, and it’s good to have some one to talk to who’s not judgemental.

So, they’re expecting baby #2. I was there for #1 and she is just the cutest little thing! She has my heart, truly. I don’t want children if my own (another topic for another day) so she is the closest thing. Her new sibling (too early to tell) is just the same. I love this new little life, so much. Being so far away, I don’t think I’ll be able to make it. Also, my niece doesn’t know who I am. I’m sure my parents and brother talk about me to her… but I still feel guilty about not being as active in her life as I would like to be. Maybe one day she’ll understand that I’m bettering my life and chasing my dreams. Maybe she’ll be proud of me…

Maybe one day it’ll all be worth it. I understand, now how my aunts must have felt when we moved away. There is nothing quite like being an aunt. They say motherhood is better, but I’ve never wanted that in my future. I’ve been told that I will change my mind. That it is my duty, as a woman and a Christian, to “be fruitful and multiply”. That my future husband might want kids, and I’ll change my mind. That it would be selfish of me to not have his children. I’ve, also, been told that I should be grateful to have a healthy uterus and by not having a child, I am a disgrace to those who want kids but can’t have them.

All of this has been weighing on me. I know for a fact that motherhood is not for me; and that I will do everything in my power to make sure that does not change. So many people want to tell me how to use my body. They tell me that I am a person and that I matter, but to most people I (as a female) only serve 1 purpose: to breed babies. Whether I want to or not- and if I don’t I better be celibate because women are only allowed to have sex if it’s to procreate. I love my niece, and kids are great… who knows maybe I will want to raise a child someday? I know for a fact that I will NEVER want to experience pregnancy. It’s just not something I want.

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Sleep…

“We were just texting! How are you asleep already?”

You don’t understand. Sleep is my ocean tide. It comes and goes as it pleases. It pulls me in, butI have to fight my way out. It is what I come home to, and it is what I wish for when I am out.

You see, when I sleep, nothing is wrong. I am at peace. One that I cannot find anywhere else. I can not sleep at all, or I can sleep for HOURS. If I could, I’d sleep for days. In truth, I just don’t want to wake up. That is the nagging thought that creates the heavy eyelids. It doesn’t matter where I am or what I am doing there is some part of me wanting to close my eyes and sleep.

Fighting it gets exhausting. Listen closely to when someone says they’re tired. It may not be from a lack of sleep. Instead, it may be from the weight of the world they feel on their shoulders and from answering questions with the right amount of honest that doesn’t end up in a hospital.

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And the angel…

I wrote this piece when I was in a relationship with a guy and it was on and off. It would feel like it was slipping away, then he would come back and it would be alright again. I came to realize the relationship was toxic, and that isn’t what love is supposed to be. That doesn’t mean you can’t still miss them.

And the Angel sobbed. As her piece of heaven slipped away… Knowing it was all her fault. The tears rained down, because there was nothing she could do to fix it. This for does not have a happy ending.

That was the part I published awhile ago… this is the FULL piece:

And the Angel sobbed.
As her piece of heaven slipped away…
nowing it was all her fault.
The tears rained down,
because there was nothing she could do to fix it.
This for does not have a happy ending.
There was nothing left of her.
She hadn’t wanted to lose him,
so she wrote her last goodbye.
And this time, no one would want to save her.

This was how that love ended… and how my life almost ended.

Lost love can make it seem like there is nothing left in the world. Trust me when I say that there IS!!!

For the Angel could feel her wings grow back,
and the light return. If you fight for it, love will win! (Eventually)