Posted in Uncategorized

Is it time to go?

Hello Dear Readers,

I am sitting here in my apartment and I have so much on my mind. I want to tell you of a lesson that though I’ve learned. I have a hard time stopping myself from repeating. It’s okay to repeat a lesson, you know. There are no rules when it comes to life, besides not causing harm and things like that. However, my repeat offense I’ve come to realize is I run. As with most of my posts, I tell the story, then tie in the lesson. With this one, however, there is no one specific story. I have so many stories where I leave so abruptly they rarely have an ending. Just: I left… The End.

I talked a little about it in my post from 2 years ago “Walking Away” I mentioned how I left a guy I once knew in Arizona. Well, between “Our Death” and “The State of the Union“. I did it again. I walked away from California, and my life there. The thing with leaving is it feels so good at the moment. It is a high, one that I once thought was a “healthy high” as some call it. With all highs, though, you have to come down and there are consequences that you cannot escape. As hard as you may try, you can’t ignore how you hurt the people you left. That becomes guilt and though you can grow from it, you can’t sidestep it. It will always catch up to you. Well, in my case it comes back in memories late at night. I can see it as a video playing back on a presentation screen. I miss those moments, and sometimes I look back to see how the people I left are now.

I would be lying if I said I don’t wonder what could have been. I also have many “what if’s”. Tonight, the memories came back from seeing a small profile picture in my messenger, that said he’s online. Tonight, I’m glad I never erased his messages. I can go back and read them like looking through a yearbook. I remember how he found me on Facebook after months of not speaking. I remember meeting up and our night-time drives. How we ended up at the top of that hill overlooking San Luis, and on the back roads of Nipomo. If you happen to read this, I hope you’re doing well. I cheer for every success and feel sorry for every loss. You work so hard. I know we can’t go back, but we can remember. At least, I hope you remember those times as fondly as I do.

As for YOU, my dear reader, I want you to know that it’s okay to leave. Just make sure you tie up your loose ends before you do. Always know that you do have an impact on others’ lives – for worse or for better. The experiences and the talks, the drinks, and the silences. It all ends up in a story for everyone involved. Just different versions. I hope, in the end, it was all worth it.

I’ve been wondering if I should move again. The urge comes like a tickle in the back of my mind. The scenery gets old, and the interstate looks like an adventure again. I can’t make up my mind (that’s nothing new) but I know that when the time comes, I will feel it in my gut. It will feel right.

The last time, I didn’t have that. It was just a whirlwind of adrenaline and a sense of loss and wonderland. Then I got stuck with lockdown, and then a lease. Funny how things just add on. Grandma always says “If you don’t have a plan, life will make one for you.” I’m beginning to understand just how right she is.

Posted in Uncategorized

Lonely Adolescence

Hello dear readers,

Today I want to talk about isolation in adolescence. My experience with it, how to recognize someone starting to pull back, and how to realize if you are contributing to it with a child in your life. I want to talk about this because the first time I actually thought the world would be better without me was when I was 14. When you’re in that preteen to the early-teen stage, you start feeling some very adult feelings. Only, they’re new and you don’t know how to process them or even verbalize it not to mention as a teen they’re all heightened. So, the first time you feel a new emotion… it’s a pretty memorable experience.

The first time I realized that no one, other than my family, actually liked me was in 8th grade. I was in what had been my favorite class, and the only one I was passing, and we were listening to songs from artists that had dark lyrics. Two of my favorite artist happened to come up, and he mentioned how Nickleback had started out as a Christian band. It blew my mind. I was thinking “No…” while playing through their songs in my mind. I didn’t realize I was actually talking out loud. The teacher snapped, “Yeah!” at me, and I realized what had happened. All of my classmates were laughing at me and the look on the teacher’s face was… between anger and annoyance. To my 14-year-old mind, it solidified my place in the school- as an outcast. No one wanted me there -even to the teachers, I was a burden. It was the first time I wanted to die. I had expected to die, but this time I desired it. That feeling never went away. I stopped trying in school. My grade in his class dropped, along with my other classes. I stopped listening to the teachers. I pulled away from everyone. Every time I tried to reach out, I was ridiculed and made into a joke. So, I stopped reaching out. I never attempted suicide. I tried cutting, but I didn’t like the pain. Plus, should anyone saw any of the scars, they’d say it was for attention. I just stopped trying.

So. Things to look for, as adults, in teens is when they suddenly go quiet. If they’re talking and enthusiastic, then they stop. NOTICE! Pull them aside after class, or if you notice other kids are laughing at them, stand up for them. TEACH them. Don’t let them figure it out, or punish them for things that aren’t a big deal. For kids at that age, something as small as a harsh “yeah” could cause a piece of them to shut down. They may never get it back.

Posted in Uncategorized

The Fall

Since my last post I’ve been really struggling to keep my Depression in control. I’ve been trying really hard to not let it control me. Yet, there are mornings where I don’t see the point in waking up. It seems like all my strength went into the simple task of opening my eyes. I have to get out of bed so I can work. I have to work so that I can pay my bills. I’m so grateful to be working, I tell myself over and over, like a spell that (I’m hoping) will magically make the despondency disappear with the same abruptness in which it came…

Though, though being at work creates a different problem, because Depression has a friend which we call Anxiety. This friend is the drama queen of the group. I’ve once heard that Anxiety is a good thing, because it tells you when you need to get out of a situation. What do you do, though, when it keeps crying wolf. Blaring it’s warnings like sirens through your brain. There is no actual danger. You are doing good. You don’t suck at your job. It’s okay that you messed up that taco. It’s not the end of the world. That’s not the song that gets heard. No, that one gets blocked by the blaring self denigration that Anxiety shouts.

It’s not just work. This is poured into every aspect of my life. Even my relationship, I feel Anxiety creeping into it. Depression just tags along. Each of them whispering their own cuts into this taspestry that we’re trying to build. I’m trying really hard to not push him away, yet when I get a text… I just don’t want to answer. It’s not HIM that I don’t want to answer. It’s anyone who calls or texts. I just don’t have the energy to do it . I just want to stay holed up under my blankets and not move or do anything, because it becomes the place I feel safest. It’s, also, the most dangerous. It’s the closest to the bottom I have been in a couple months.

If you feel this way, you’re not alone. Feel free to contact me, and we can get through this together. Or, call a help center. I’ve had to a couple times. I haven’t gotten back to the bottom, yet. I’m trying really hard to keep my head above water. I have been there, though, and I can at least offer you some air, or a life vest.

Posted in Uncategorized

Finding… Harmony?

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind! Getting a job, working, and meeting this amazing man. Being back at work is still a little anxiety inducing, but it’s not as bad as it was. I find myself able to calm down, and regain the balance in my see-sawing mind. I know what to do, and there is only some slight differences in how to do it. It has been so very nice. I’m just slightly out of tune, but I can feel the gears loosening up.

I met this guy. He is so nice, and charming. It’s all so early, but I think the butterflies I’ve kept caged are fluttering again. My heart that was once a frozen fortress, is slowly warming to a vibrant palace. Oh, I can feel the sun again! Through the walls that I built up to fortify and protect the fragile and weak part of myself which has been broken by so many traitors. Its’ rays find the cracks in the curtains, and it feels so inviting! Still, I am afraid to open the gate. I fear what could happen if I do, but I moved out here despite the “what ifs”. I can’t fear them if I want to keep my momentum building. So, I am letting pieces of me out. Little by little, I am revealing the small parts of me. Eventually, I will let him into everything because I think this is LOVE. I can’t be too sure, because the other loves I’ve ever known were destructive and devastating.

I’ve, also, regained my faith. I’ve found strength in my God and His son, Jesus Christ. I’m not going to preach, I’m just saying that praying helps. Letting things go, is lifting the weight of the world off of my shoulders. It’s too much for me, and I can’t do it alone. So, I need spiritual help.

Despite all these good things happening, there are still pesky little voices whispering doubts and insecurities. It’s the same chorus of “not good enough”, “why this”, “do you really think you can do that”, “what makes you think you can do THAT”. The good things have kind of helped add some treble to the constant bass. I’m letting them take over the scale, and interweave themselves through the song so it doesn’t constantly keep me down.

Things are getting better. I just have to embrace them, and take another chance.

Posted in Things that helped me

Music

So, one thing that either helps ease my depressive thoughts is music. Careful, because some can also increase the loneliness. I have a playlist that I created on Spotify to help boost my mood. Basically, on a good day, I scrolled through all the songs that made me want to sing or dance to them and just made it into one playlist. Now when I feel low, I’ll get in my car and turn on that playlist. Then, I’ll just drive and it brings me out of that down cycle. I’ll admit, gas gets kind of expensive.

So, my favorite artist is Taylor Swift. I know, I’ve heard all the judgement on my being a “Swiftie”. I usually just laugh and shrug it off. I just want you to know that it doesn’t matter what music you like to listen to. If it keeps you alive? That’s all that matters. That is why I like Miss Taylor and her music. I have literally lived through those moments and those songs kept ME alive by making the loneliness not seem so heavy. Not to mention how gracious she is towards her fans. 🙂

When I was around nine years old, my parents split. Taylor debuted that year, and my mom started dating this guy. He was great for awhile, but eventually he started getting meaner, and meaner. The first time he got mean was when we were in the car, and “Tear Drops…” came on the radio. I always loved singing along to the radio. Ever since I could talk. My cousin and I would create shows together. Well, with him, we suddenly weren’t allowed to do it anymore. I would always, defiantly, lip sync but if any sound came out… I would get in trouble. He ruined the song “Should’ve Said No.” Towards the end of the song she asks if it was worth it. CLEAR AS DAY I can still hear him say “All he has to do is say yes, that’ll shut her up.” Even after all these years later.

See, people have a connection to music because sometimes that’s all they have to connect to. Please, don’t make fun of people’s music choice. It’s a bullying tactic. NOT. COOL.

Posted in Uncategorized

Today…

Today, it all comes back. I was doing so well, until I realized just how much I’ve fucked everything up. My finance are shit, and I know it. Can everyone please stop reminding me? I know they mean well, but I know, I know, I fucking know! Stop telling me. Stop reminding me. Stop insisting on me doing things. I had a fucking plan, but NO! No one can just respect the fact that I might be trying to fix it without asking for money. No, keep pushing and pushing because I don’t feel like enough of a failure, already. I just want it all to FUCKING STOP!!!

Posted in What is this about?

The Beginning.

Shattered dreams still glitter… Just with teardrops, Rather than Magic

I don’t remember when it started. I just remember the internal fights and mood swings. Throughout my younger years I never thought I would actually grow up. I know. Every kid on the planet thinks that same thing. However, I always thought that I would not survive that far. I had this voice inside that said, “What would it be like when I’m gone?” I would imagine scenarios that always ended with my death. Only mine. Even worse, I would hope for it.

For me the idea of death has always been one of ultimate relief. I’ve even told family, “Don’t be sad if I ever go. I’ll be at peace.” I think they always thought I was talking about religion. No, I wasn’t. I was talking about being free from the burden, which I feel is life.

As I grew up, I realized I had to figure out a plan. I had to live. It wasn’t a choice, it was a requirement given by birth. I had to take care of myself. For a while I tried, but I was met with failure. Again, and again. Often the failure was a consequence of my own decisions. That just compounded, and made that weight on my shoulders worse.

So, this is my story. I’ll share little bits because I know that I FINALLY WANT to live and make better choices. I, also, want others to learn from me. Just because I made these choices or did these actions. Doesn’t mean that you have to. It just gives you the opportunity to see how it turned out for me.