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Ghost of Loves’ Past

Hello, Darling! Remember me? Perhaps you don’t recognize me. I’m only one in your collection of many beautiful tragedies. I was once a beautifully designed window. Sleek and clear, almost invisible until you wanted a fresh air. Created to shine light and bring relief to others, you wanted fresh air and you found me.

Little did you know, that as beautiful and shiny that I was; I was made with little imperfections. You said all the right things, though, and my young, nieve, and broken heart wanted to believe them. Soft words drizzled like a soft summer rain. It seemed refreshing… for awhile. All you had to do was request air, and I’d open for you. Neither of us realized that with every open and close, a crack in my glass grew.

I was an intrecately designed glass window. Perhaps, it were the clear light that was the attraction of me to you. You began playing with the mechanics. The more you fiddled, the deeper the cracks became. Eventually, the light wouldn’t come through, the cracks became too deep and pieces began to fall. The wind ripped through, the rain dripping in. You looked at me and realized I wasn’t the shelter that you once found. So, you knocked me down and left me in an old dusty attic.

While up there, I began picking up the pieces that you were so kind to leave behind. Some of them became stained with the blood from my broken heart. Others had streaks from the River of Tears flowing from my eyes. I welded them back into my design.

Now I’m sitting here penning this letter to you, and I can’t help but thank you. Some how, through the pain and desolation, I’ve become stronger, and more intrecate than ever. You taught me what “Love” is by showing me what it IS NOT . From your cruelty, I’ve grown kindness. Where you are cold, I burn hotter than a summer bon-fire; which we we’re quite fond of.

Now, I love myself. I trust myself. I listen to what she has to say. Thanks to you, I was able to see the face of my rescuer was staring back from it’s dusty mirror you forced me to look into.

Thanks again , for being the worst mistake I’ve learned from to date.

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Walking away seems so easy, but the ghosts haunt every step I take.

Part of depression, for me, is reliving mistakes and agonizing over the details and “what if”s. Tonight, it was this man I knew in Arizona. It started off as just a quick hit, but we started seeing each other more and more. I started having feelings for him. I really liked him… I said that, didn’t I?

My problem is I feel too much too fast. I don’t pace myself. As much as I’ve tried, I just can’t get the hang of it. Maybe he felt the same way, but he was terrified that I would do exactly as I did… and leave. I was terrified of the same thing. When I’m scared, I run. I leave it behind and move to somewhere else far away. I’ve needed someone to hold me back, to hug me and say “I want you to stay.” Not just anyone, but that someone. He almost did, but now I’m here. I’m stuck with his ghost reminding me of how his arms felt pulling me closer in the middle of the night. I can feel the whisper of his beard on my neck. Every night, in my dreams, I do stay. I go back to his hot-as-hell room, snuggled in his bed that was made every day. Tonight I can feel it so much, that I just hope that he thinks of me too. I hope when he plays the movies I bought, he flashes back to the midnight kisses and 2 am cuddles.

He was a shooting star wish, that turned into an airplane. Tea leaves that were washed away… And it was by my own hand. I didn’t see him before I left. I deleted his number, and told myself I will find someone better.

If by some divine happenstance you see this, please know. I pray everyday that you find someone who terrifies you just as much, but they have what I didn’t -the courage to stay.